How To Become A Wine Connoisseur

"Darling you look so ladylike with that ENTIRE bottle of wine in your glass."

"Phantom Eye" Hydrogen-powered Spy Plane Unveiled

Boeing has unveiled its unmanned hydrogen-powered spy plane which can fly non-stop for up to four days. The new high-altitude plane, called Phantom Eye, can fly at altitudes of 20,000m (65,000ft), according to Boeing spokespeople.

It is a product of Boeing's secretive Phantom Works research and development arm and could be used for "persistent intelligence and surveillance".

"We flew Condor [the company's previous reconnaissance drone] for 60 hours in 1989 on regular jet fuel, and that was the maximum," said Chris Haddox from Boeing Phantom Works. "Now we're talking 96 hours."

Big Brother is alive and well and grinning down at you with a devilish leer.

Source: www.boeing.com

The Simpsons Megaposter

Ever wondered who voices who in The Simpsons? Wonder ye no more, for this Simpsons Megaposter will show you. Unless you're a Simpsons uberfan there will be a few surprises here...

(Click to enlarge)

Detached Shark's Eye vs Scientist's Knife

A team of scientists recently dissected a dead shark to evaluate it's highly-evolved body parts one at a time. It made fascinating viewing, particularly when one of the scientists took a knife to the shark's detached eye...

The scientists' findings? Shark's are tough mothers from top to bottom.

Star Wars: Fans Mourn Decline In Standards.

Note to "Pedigree" graphic artist: It might be an idea to ensure body parts are in proportion before going to press. Just a thought. (You really didn't notice Vader's head is almost twice the size it should be? Or were you going for the Rick-Moranis-in-Spaceballs look on purpose!?)

Gah! We hate these cheap annuals that get churned out year after year. Not enough time, thought or passion went into creating this. If that's how you're gonna approach this franchise in future, we say don't bother. The force is weak with this one.

The Worst Football Dives Of All Time

Ah, the Beautiful Game. It has poetry of movement, skill and team spirit in abundance, but honour? Well... That can be a little more hard to find in certain players.

Take a look at this montage of highly paid professional athletes (and role models) feigning injury to gain an advantage over their opponents.

Warning: Some of these are ridiculous.

"Ve Hav Vays Of Making You Talk."

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, the British representation conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement: "We have to be receptive to slight changes which may ensure easy adoption throughout all member states" said a British spokesman. "With this in mind we have accepted a 5 year phase-in plan to introduce "Euro-English" throughout the zone."

Allow us to outline the changes to you in more detail:

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of the"k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be ekspekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"s in the language is disgraseful, and they should go away. By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer.

Cloning Breakthrough: Dinosaurs Walk The Earth Once Again!

We finally cracked it folks. Dinosaurs have been brought back from the dead and here's the video to PROVE it.

(Tourist footage from Circular Quay, Sydney, AU.)

Apparently some clever scientists extracted blood from mosquitoes which had feasted on dinosaurs millions of years ago. The mosquitoes were perfectly preserved in amber, keeping all of those bits of DNA gristle intact. Obviously, these blood samples require only a rudimentary amount of genome sequencing to 'retro-create' a clone. And hey presto, a dinosaur.

The things they can do nowadays... Incredible huh?

This Is Why You Shouldn't Sneeze Through Your Nose

This is why you should remember to always, ALWAYS sneeze through your mouth.

(Yeah, we know it's gross, but it's funny too.)

We hope her parents show this clip to her first boyfriend.

"Always judge a man by the way he treats

someone who is of no use to him."

- Anon

World Burping Champion

It was clear from an early age that Paul Hunn was destined for greatness. And sure enough, the child prodigy grew into man of such stature, such nobility and grace that we feel humbled to have him appear on our site.

Ladies and Gentleman, we are proud to present you with Paul Hunn: World Burping Champion.

Seriously though, just imagine what life is like for his long-suffering (and presumably deaf) wife.

FOREPLOY n.
The shady technique used to get a woman into bed. eg. claiming to be a member of the SAS or an airline pilot etc.

CHOREPLAY n.
Tiresome pre sex ritual required by selfish women.

Super Mario Bros - Violin Solo

For the gamers out there, this will be awesome. (For the rest of you it'll probably still seem impressive, if a little pathetic.) This guy plays the Super Mario Bros theme in real time, including sound effects. We love it.

It's staggering to us that this simple piece of 8-bit midi music still lives and breathes over twenty years after Koji Kondo composed it. Catchy eh?

Stunning Northern Lights footage

Is this the most amazing thing on planet Earth? It's certainly a contender. This video captures an entire night of Northern Lights' footage condensed into 4 minutes. (Courtesy of the fine chaps at National Geographic.)

So what the hell is it?

The Northern Lights (aurora borealis) are a natural phenomenon that occur when clouds of gas from the Sun collide with the Earth's magnetic field. The collision generates currents of charged particles, which then flow along the lines of magnetic force into the North Pole. (You may remember from school that the Earth's magnetic field looks similar to the shape of an apple. The dip at the top, above the apple core, is the 'North Pole'.) The coloured lights we see are charged particles headed 'into the apple core' and colliding with nitrogen and oxygen atoms on the way. The colour of the lights is determined by the altitude of this activity.

Enough science. Let's smoke some marijuana and watch this groovy shit again.

Behold! TV Hat.

We've reached the pinnacle of human evolution. This is our zenith. Behold ye! Shake thine knees in terror as you bask in the awesome magnitude and utter omnipotence of........... TV Hat.

SETTING THE VIDEO v.
Sexual position, in which the lady is on her knees and elbows, with her arse in the air, tutting exasperatedly.

- Profanisaurus

Ghana Team's Spontaneous Hotel Foyer Dance

Together we are stronger...

Now this is team spirit: Great dancing from the team with the physio playing the drum! Can you imagine the English, French or Italian teams doing anything like this? (Maybe that's where they went wrong.)

Perhaps we'll see Stuart Pearce on bongos in Brazil 2014?

Cosmological Perspective

This over-exposed photo was taken by an amateur photographer in New Zealand. It captures the journey of the Southern stars as they whizz through the night sky. Or does it?



The answer is no, not at all. What it actually captures is OUR movement. This photo highlights the fact that we are whizzing around on our axis at roughly 800mph. (In the UK at least. At the equator that speed increases to nearer 1000mph and at either of the poles Earth hardly spins at all.) Science, yo!

Now do you realise how tiny and insignificant you are? Your daily worries are -for the most part- entirely meaningless in the grand scheme of things. So keep things in perspective. Enjoy the fleeting moment of time you have miraculously been given to live on this big rock. It will be gone before you know it.

Here's something it took us years to figure out: Do something you enjoy and feel passionate about. Don’t exist to make money, you will regret that in the end. Wherever possible, try to make your goals contribute towards moving the Human agenda forward, if only in a microscopic way. (That’s all any individual can hope for.) Then AND ONLY THEN are you actually making any difference to anything.

Tea?

An Ode To My Housemate

I arose this morning with purpose and power,
I skipped out of bed and leapt into the shower.
My ablutions completed, I let drip and let leak,
Before letting slip a most feminine shriek.
The source of my terror was abundantly clear,
I had towelled my wet face with a dark brown smear.

-HumanSoup

FOXYMORON n.
A lady whose incredible physical attractiveness is matched only by her marked lack of intellect.

- Profanisaurus

True Romance - "Sicilians"

One of our favourite ever movie scenes. Hopper trying to protect his son from Walken the cold-blooded gangster. Two great actors at the top of their game. Superb.

"Could I have one of those Chesterfield's now?"

She's A Biggun

Some simple rules for grossly overweight humans:

1) Don’t wear skin-tight clothing.

2) Use deodorant if you intend to walk upwind of other humans.

3) Don’t wear skin-tight clothing.

Grumblemag

This is the front page of a recent edition of the Sunday Sport, a British newspaper. It’s available in all good newsagents. Whilst we're pleased it exists (it’s a bloody hilarious read), we wonder if it’s appropriate that this is on sale at the front of supermarkets and corner shops throughout our leafy Isle. Look at it. It’s so close to being overt scat porn it beggars belief. Don’t get us wrong, we love porn as much as the next man/woman/milf/teen, but we're not sure it should be on sale next to Peppa Pig Magazine.

Marcel, My Son

We love this clip of Marcel Desailly celebrating Ghana's first goal of World Cup 2010. He's a likeable chap isn't he? He's much more natural than most other footy pundits and he gives more of himself without reservation. More please, Marcel.

Interesting Human

This guy was in the players’ tunnel prior to one of Portugal’s matches in the World Cup. He clearly has some kind of pigment disorder, but we've never seen such a condition exhibit itself in such a pronounced way. Poor bugger. Throughout his whole life he’s probably had to endure people staring at him (and posting tasteless blog articles about him). We hope not. We were quite shallow and ghoulish about this type of thing in our youth, now we tend to go out of our way to demonstrably 'include' people with disabilities or those who don’t look 'normal'. I wonder which is more condescending?

BOTCAPS n.
Plugs of shit roll worn in the anus to prevent skidmarks on hot days.

- Profanisaurus

Fat Cheat Returns To Argentina - Given A Hero's Welcome

Maradona and his Argentina squad arrive back in Buenos Aires following their 4-0 elimination at the hands of the Germans. These are incredible scenes considering they 'only' reached the quarter finals. (And got spanked 4-0.)

Can you imagine the scenes if they'd won the cup?!

Zombie Fish

Picture the scene: You come home from a hard day's work and begin to prepare your evening meal. You opt for fish. The fish has already been skinned and gutted and you are about to cook it when it starts wriggling and writhing in your very hands.

"Aiiee!! What should I do??" Grab your phone, film it and post it to YouTube of course!



Try not to think about this the next time your tucking into a plate of fish & chips.

Top Recent Posts:

• Cloning Breakthrough: Dinosaurs Walk The Earth Once Again!
• Stunning Northern Lights footage
• An Ode To My Housemate